A Deadly Competition
by Imjustme15
Summary: What happens when a weight loss competition turns deadly? Find out what happens when Harry and Zayn turn weight loss into a deadly game. Sequel to Anorexia A Harry Styles Fanfiction
1. Chapter 1

Harry's POV  
Waking up I expected to feel my amazing boyfriend's body pressed up against me. Sadly that wasn't the case. I sighed getting up, noticing that the dizziness was officially gone. I had finally reached my starting weight, 160, and I was actually happy, somewhat. Not quite comfortable going downstairs in only my boxers I grabbed a shirt and a pair of jeans. I yanked the shirt over my head and was instantly uncomfortable with the tightness. I slipped it off and looked at the size. Small. Well, that wasn't going to work anymore. I was bothered by the fact that a shirt that would have fit 8 months ago wouldn't fit now, but then again 8 months ago I was close to death. I grabbed a baggy shirt and put in on, satisfied. Grabbing my jeans I attempted to slide them on. It didn't exactly go as planned. The jeans slid up but absolutely refused to button. I frowned and tried to drown out the nagging voice in my head that told me I was fat. Pushing that to the back of my head I pulled on a pair of sweats and walked towards the hallway. I saw Zayn standing in the doorway smirking. That's weird.

"Good morning Zayn," I smiled, but he didn't return it.

"Looks like someone's a little too big for their clothes," he taunted. What was he playing at?

"Well, those were the clothes I wore when I was at my lowest weight so I suppose it's a good thing they don't fit," I said.

"You don't really believe that do you?" Zayn actually laughed, "I mean, are you really that stupid?"

"What do you mean am I really that stupid?" I exclaimed, getting angry.

"I mean," Zayn smirked, "that when you were under 100 you were actually starting to look good. Now look at you. You're back to being a big blob."

"What's gotten in to you Zayn?" I asked, "I thought you were supportive of me trying to recover. Would you rather I die?"

"I don't know Harry," he said, "but if it were up to me I'd rather die skinny than live fat."

My jaw dropped open as he gave me one last smirk before walking towards the living room. I went into my bathroom and began examining myself. I slipped my shirt off and noticed the fat that had accumulated there. The rolls were back and, let's just say, they had brought their friends. My arms had inches of flab hanging from them and it was absolutely disgusting. Even my back had developed an unhealthy layer of back fat. I slipped my shirt back on and let a few tears slip down my cheeks. Zayn was right. I was just a big blob, but how was I going to fix it with Louis breathing down my neck all the time. Sure, he had gotten slightly less protective and he even trusted me when I said I already ate, but he was still very protective when it came to my, now, every 3 month appointment at the doctor. Then I thought about Zayn. I don't know why, but he's always the guy I feel like I leave out. He kind of just does his own stuff and stays away from me and what I'm doing. Come to think of it I couldn't think of the last time I actually saw Zayn eat. How had I never noticed that before? Then again, maybe I was reading into this too deeply. Maybe I'm acting like an idiot. I guess I'll just wait and see.

"Harry," Louis entered the bathroom, "Liam and Niall made breakfast. Care to join us?"

Even though he said it like a question I knew I didn't have a choice. I sighed.

"What about Zayn?" I asked.

"He went back to his flat," Louis explained, "he said he had some chocolate chip waffles in his freezer that were calling his name."

I laughed slightly. I guess I was reading too much into this. Zayn isn't anorexic. He's just skinny. I should know that there is a big difference. Yet, I actually feel kind of disappointed. I don't know why, but if Zayn had been anorexic I could have gone over to his place and pretend I'm eating there. Wait a minute Harry! You don't want to go back down that road. You almost died. You're damn lucky you're still here. But I couldn't deny that deep down I was disappointed that Zayn wasn't anorexic. Was that really a sick thing to think?

"So, are you coming Harry?" Louis asked again.

"Yeah," I frowned, "I'm coming."

I followed Louis into the kitchen where Niall and Liam were sitting at the table with their chairs pushed together and laughing. I grabbed a plate of eggs and bacon and sat down at the table with Louis. Louis scooted his chair close to mine and I did the same, imitating Niall and Liam. I pushed the eggs around, occasionally taking a bite, so it looked like I was eating more than I was. I ribbed the bacon into small pieces, only eating two bites. The rest was hidden under the eggs. It had gotten to the point where if I didn't finish a meal it was okay. I was even allowed to lose a couple pounds without anyone freaking out, but if I started to show signs that I was relapsing Louis would immediately begin to watch me like a hawk again and trust me, it sucks when that happens. But, none of that even mattered really because I'm not relapsing. I'm just monitoring what I eat. No one ever said I couldn't monitor what I eat. They just said that I couldn't go on a diet. I got up and dumped my, almost full, plate into the garbage can. Niall whined about how 'he would have eaten eat'. I just laughed and set my plate in the sink, thanking Liam and Niall for breakfast.

"Are you sure you even liked it?" Niall laughed, "You hardly at any of it?"

Liam and Louis didn't find this as funny as Niall did. No, scratch that, they didn't find it funny at all.

"Harry Styles," Louis said, in his 'you sure as hell better not lie to me' tone, "are you relapsing?"

"What!?" I exclaimed.

"Are you relapsing?" Liam repeated, for Louis.

"You guys," I sighed, "you know I'm allowed to not finish meals. Just because I don't finish one meal doesn't mean I'm relapsing."

"I'm sorry love," Louis' eyes softened, "I just get so worried about you. You'll never know how scary it was seeing you at 95 pounds. You looked like you were going to die any second and then you go and have a heart attack, not that it's your fault, but the point is I worry about you."

I smiled at Louis and held out my arms. Louis walked into them and wrapped his arms around me. I felt self-conscious considering the fact the he had his hands on my back fat, but the second his lips crashed on to mine everything disappeared. Nothing mattered but Louis and I. I didn't need anorexia. I was perfect the way I am and I'm happy to be recovering. I'm never going to relapse even if I find out Zayn is anorexic because I don't need Ana anymore. At least, that's what I thought.


	2. Chapter 2

Still Harry's POV  
(Most POV's will be Harry's and Zayn's)

"Harry," Louis said, "I'm going to go to the mall with Liam and Niall. Would you like to come?"

"No thanks," I said, "I'm going to head to the gym."

Louis nodded, "alright, but remember only for an hour."

"When am I going to be able to go for longer?" I whined.

"As soon as the doctor gives you permission," he explained, "she said it should be soon."

"Fine," I grumbled.

Louis laughed and pecked my lips. Then, after a quick 'goodbye' he walked out of the flat. I waited until he was gone to go to my bathroom. Louis hadn't checked my body for cuts for a couple weeks, trusting me with my razor. I carefully disassembled my razor and pulled my sweats down. It had been awhile since I had cut, but I needed it now. Sliding the blade across my skin I could feel all of my tension release. Nothing mattered, but the pain. 5 cuts later I was ready to go to the gym. After stopping the bleeding and pulling my sweats up I hid my disassembled razor in a bag in my bathroom. Grabbing my keys, phone, and headphones, I locked the flat and headed to the gym.

***2 Hours Later***

I stepped into the flat and set my keys down. Yeah, I had been at the gym longer than I was supposed to, but Louis had sent me a text saying he was wondering around town with Liam and Niall so he'd never have to know. Besides it was better than 4 hours. I looked at the clock and noticed it was almost time for lunch. I'm not allowed to skip meals, but that doesn't mean I have to eat anything big. Grabbing an apple I sat down on the couch and got on my laptop. I looked around twitter for awhile and soon I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

Harry_Styles I have anorexia too, or should I just say I have anorexia. You used to be my thinspiration. Now you're just a fat blob.

Harry_Styles I think you're gonna have another heart attack- this one from eating too MUCH.

Harry_Styles You're such an attention whore! No real anorexic would ever consider gaining so much weight. Fatty!

I logged out of twitter. I couldn't take anymore and those were just a few of many comments. Now, they weren't all from today. They were over the course of the last week, but there were still more than I was used to. My mind once again told me I needed to lose weight. But, how was I going to do this? I remembered something called pro ana. I heard about it from a girl I met while at the hospital. Without thinking I got onto tubmlr, not even sure why I picked that website, and typed in pro ana. Lots of blogs popped up, but one stuck out. The owner of the blog was under the name Zayn Malik. I wasn't sure if that was for real or not, but I had to find out. I clicked on his blog and started reading one of his entries. It was from this morning.

Hello and good morning fellow ana's,

Where do I begin? Well, I'm officially under 140. 138 to be exact, although I'm still just a fat blob. Oh well, Ana and I can fix that. This morning I saw Harry getting dressed, don't think like that you perverts, and he couldn't even fit in his clothes. I used to be so envious when I saw him. The way his ribs stuck out so sharply and the way his stomach concaved in. Now, though, I'm actually on my way to being skinnier than him and he thinks he's fine with being 160, yes 160, because he's recovering. You know what I have to say to that? Bullshit! He's not happier. I could tell by the way he ran to the bathroom as soon as I walked away. It's just a matter of time before he comes back to our best friend, Ana. But forget that for now. After that little incident the rest of the boys offered me breakfast. I can't believe they actually did that. But then again, why not? I've given them no proof that they need to be worried about my eating habits. So, I simply told them I had chocolate chip waffles in the freezer of my flat calling my name. Of course, that isn't true. I would never think about keeping such sugary food in my flat. Well, I think that's about all for now. I'll post more soon. Goodbye and stay skinny.

What the hell! So it is Zayn's account. I couldn't believe I just read that. It did, however, give me some motivation. I realized I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of eating what's put in front of me. Most importantly it made me realize I miss Ana so dearly and that I need her back. I walked/jogged to Zayn's flat. When I got there I could hear some noise. I hope he doesn't have people over.

"Hey Harry," Zayn smiled, opening the door.

"Hey mate," I said quickly, "are you alone?"

"Yeah come on in," he said.

I followed him in to his flat. I noticed a treadmill and elliptical, both of which were obviously fairly new. Zayn sat on the couch and I followed his lead, wincing when I felt the couch sink beneath my weight.

"So what's up curly?" Zayn laughed. Wow just this morning he wouldn't even smile.

"I saw your blog," I stated.

Zayn paled, "what do you mean?"

"I saw your pro ana blog," I told him.

"Oh," he looked angry, "if you're here to tell me to stop and try to recover like you then you should just leave now because I'm not stopping. I'm not even underweight yet and I sure as hell am not stopping until I am, if I even stop then."

"I wasn't going to make you stop," I smirked, "I was going to say I'm in."

"What do you mean 'I'm in'?" He looked confused.

"I mean," I said, "how do you feel about being ana buddies?"


	3. Chapter 3

1 Week Later

Zayn's POV

I dragged the scale out of my bathroom and into the living room. Harry should be here any moment for our first weigh in. Over the last week Harry and I have been hanging out a lot, but I don't mind. He needs a way to get out of eating and I need a distraction from the food in my flat so it works to our advantage. It was actually pretty exciting to have an ana buddy. We always were able to call each other if we were feeling like giving up. This last week I've ate less than I ever have in a week and I have Harry to thank for that. A knock on my door signaled that Harry had arrived.

"Hey Harry," I smiled, opening the door.

"Hey Zayn," Harry replied, "ready for weigh in number 1?"

"Of course," I smirked, "I'm so ready to kick your ass."

"We'll see about that," he said.

Harry and I both stripped down to our boxers. I looked him up and down, again not like that you perverts, and you could already tell he was losing weight. I'm not going to exaggerate and say the you could see all his bones, because you couldn't, but you could see a little less definition in his abs and his collarbones were beginning to protrude more. He still had a long way to go to get back to where he was, but I can't judge. I'm still a fucking whale, but I will be skinnier than him. Even if it's the last thing I do.

"Ready mate?" Harry asked, attempting to cover his scars. Although, he had way too many to cover even half of them and I could see fresh cuts in the mix.

"Yeah," I said, "but you know you don't have to be worried about that stuff. I'm not going to judge or tell you to stop. I'd be a hypocrite if I did."

"You cut!?" Harry exclaimed, looking at my body for scars.

"No," I said, "but starving is just another for of self punishment. Now, who's going to start?"

Harry nodded at what I said and volunteered to start the weigh in. In the end Harry lost nine pounds and I lost six. Harry was pretty smug about it until I pointed out the fact that people who weighed more tend to lose weight faster and once he was at my weight he wouldn't lose that much that fast, or maybe he would. I didn't know. Once our weigh in was complete we slipped back into our clothes and started working out, Harry on the treadmill and me on the elliptical. We did that for three hours, switched machines, and then did another three. It was the longest I've ever worked out, but like I said; I had to be skinnier than Harry.

Harry's POV

After working, showering, and drying my hair so Louis wouldn't have any suspicions Zayn and I enjoyed a feast of water and diet pills. He gave me a bottle of them and I slipped them into my sweats pocket, knowing I'd have to hide them in my room later. I spent about a half hour with Zayn watching TV and goofing off, but you could tell there was that air of competition. We were each competing for one spot; to be the skinniest of the two of us. I left Zayn, after telling him I'd see him the next day for another workout and "breakfast" and "lunch". When I got t0 the flat Louis wasn't in the living room. I could hear him doing something in his room so I took the opportunity to hide my pills in my room before going into Louis' room.

"Hi boobear," I smiled.

"Hey love," he said, "can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I said.

"Have you lost weight?"

I frowned.

"No," I lied, "and even if I had I don't see how you would have noticed, it couldn't be more than a pound or two." Or nine.

"Haz I see you so much I could tell if you lost an ounce," Louis sighed.

"Don't you think that's pushing it a bit?"

"Okay so maybe that was an exaggeration, but I can tell when you lose a pound or two," he said.

"Well," I sighed, "I can assure you I haven't lost any weight."

"If you're sure," he frowned.

"I'm sure boobear," I said, before leaning in and giving him a kiss.


	4. Chapter 4

Just so I can figure out the days and keep track of them it's July 15, 2014. Last chapter was July 12. I'll put the date at the top of every chapter. If it bothers you comment and I'll keep track of the dates some other way. Thank jellybeans!

July 15

Harry's POV

"Zayn," I gasp, as I run way too fast, "I can't go much longer."

Zayn looked up from the elliptical and frowned.

"Harry," he said, "you sure as hell can go longer. How did you ever get to 95 pounds with this attitude?"

"Ana kept me going," I panted.

"Well, what's Ana telling you now?" He sighed.

"To run faster," I say as I turn up the speed on the treadmill.

Louis' POV

I was sitting on a chair in Niall and Liam's flat. They had moved in together a couple of months ago and invited me over today since Harry was with Zayn. Hmph. No, I'm not jealous. I just don't like the fact that Zayn gets to see my boyfriend more than I do. I'm not even sure why they're suddenly hanging out so much. Maybe I should investigate.

"Does anyone else think it's a little strange how close Zayn and Harry have become lately?" I ask.

"I suppose now that you mention it, it is a little strange," Liam agrees.

"I disagree," Niall countered, "I think it's a good thing that Zayn has some company now. He seemed to be a tad anti-social until he and Harry started hanging out."

"But he's only socializing with Harry," I protested, "plus Harry is always over there. He goes over before I even wake up and he doesn't return until around three. And, now, he always leaves to go the gym the second he finished dinner. That's when he finishes dinner. Half the time he leaves most of it and goes to Starbucks or McDonalds on his way home from the gym."

"But at least he's eating," Liam pointed out, "and I agree with Niall. While it is a bit strange that they've suddenly become best friends, I think it's good that Zayn has someone, anyone, to socialize with and it's good for Harry to get closer to Zayn."

"I guess you're right," I sighed, "I just miss my boyfriend."

***Later that night***

Harry's POV

"I'm headed off to the gym love," I say as I put my dish in the sink. We had just finished dinner. Well, Louis had. I had taken exactly three bites of the vegetables and put the rest of it in the trash. I know it's wasteful, but that way I don't have to eat it later.

"Wait Harry," I turn, I'm almost to the door, and see Louis pulling on his trainers. He has his phone and headphones in his hand. Oh no...

"What's up Louis?" I ask, not really wanting to know the answer.

"I decided I'm going to come to the gym with you today," he smiled.

I fidget on spot. I was planning on purging those three bites of vegetables, but now I won't be able to. Sighing, I run a hand through my hair. I look at Louis, who looks so cute. He's got his lip out and he's pouting better than a child who was refused a cookie. I can't resist his pout and soon we're standing in the gym trying to decide what machine we want to get on.

"I vote for the elliptical," Louis says, pointing to the elliptical.

I nod and follow him towards the machines. As we workout I can see a large smile on Louis' face. He hasn't been to the gym for awhile and I can tell he's enjoying himself now. Great, now he's going to want to come every time I go. As we worked out Louis talked all about the tour we got back from last month. It had been a world tour and it was incredible. I smiled and made the occasional comment, but let Louis fill the silence mostly.

"Geez Harry don't you think you're going a tad bit fast?" Louis asked, wide eyed.

"Hey I only get an hour at the gym. I'm going to get the best workout I can get," I said. Technically I only spend an hour at the gym. I just spend another 4 to 6 hours working out at Zayn's.

"Okay I guess that makes sense. I love you Haz," Louis smiled.

"I love you too Lou."

If only he knew...


	5. Chapter 5

July 19th

Zayn's POV

"127," Harry said, as I stepped off the scale.

I smiled. I'd lost another 5 pounds. I was getting closer to being skinny, no to being perfect. I hopped off the scale and Harry stepped on. He smiled as the number came up. 144. He had lost 7 pounds. Lucky bastard. We both put our workout clothes back on and I kicked the scale to the side. Harry got on the elliptical and I got on the treadmill. We would switch 2 or 3 hours later. About fifteen minutes in there was a knock on the door. I was already sweating from running, but Harry wasn't too bad so he decided to answer the door. I quickly hopped off the treadmill and onto the couch. I didn't want any of the other boys to know what we're doing. I could feel my heart racing as I saw Harry enter the room, but it slowed down when I noticed no one was following him.

"Who was at the door?" I asked.

"Some salesmen," Harry shrugged, "now I believe we weren't done with our workout."

"I believe you're right," I smirked, following him to the equipment, "oh, and next week I'm going to kick your sorry bum in the weigh in."

Harry just laughed, "good luck with that."

***6 and 1/2 Hours Later***

Harry and I had just finished our showers and Harry had dried his hair. It was a little past three and Harry was putting on his trainers to go back to his and Louis' flat. Once Harry had left I grabbed my laptop and logged into tumblr. I scrolled through the feed for awhile and then I figured it was time to post something since I haven't for a few days. I began typing,

Hello lovelies.

I'm back again. Where should I start? Well, I'm getting closer to my 1st goal weight of 115. My 2nd is 100 and my third is 85. Today I weighed in at 127. I've been losing weight a lot faster lately. I think it's because I have Harry to keep me from eating and visa-versa. We've both been exercising at least 4 hours a day and sometimes we go for 6. Harry weighed 144 today. He lost seven pounds in the last week and I lost five. I've lost to him two weeks in a row, but I'm determined to beat him this week. I guess we've turned this weight loss into a competition, but I suppose that's a good thing. It keeps us going. It keeps us from eating. Most importantly it keeps us from recovering. Even though we don't need to recover. I've read the quote that 'Anorexia is a lifestyle not a disease'. I believe that quote with all my heart. So what if I'm beginning to feel dizzy throughout the day? So what if I'm a lot more tired than usual? So what if I feel weak? I'm perfecting myself and that's worth any pain in the world, even death. Thanks for reading. Stay skinny. -Zayn.

As I put my laptop away I could feel my stomach growl. I sighed. I guess it's time for another glass of water.

Harry's POV

I opened the door and saw Louis vacuuming. Wow, he must be really bored.

"Bored Lou?" I laughed.

Louis turned around and unplugged the vacuum. "If you didn't run to Zayn's every day I wouldn't be bored," he said, but I could tell he wasn't upset.

"I'm sorry. You know I love you," I said.

"I love you too Haz," Louis smiled, "can I ask you something?"

"Of course Lou," I said, pecking his lips.

"Promise you'll answer honestly?"

"Absolutely," I said.

"Are you going over to Zayn's house so you don't have to eat?" He asked, worried, "Don't lie because it's obvious you've lost a couple pounds."

I smiled, grateful that he hadn't realized how much weight I had lost. Besides I was healthy so that didn't matter.

"I can assure you I have been eating both breakfast and lunch at Zayn's," I lied, "sometimes we even eat a snack. Besides Lou I've only lost a couple of pounds, so I'm still healthy. You have nothing to worry about."

"Okay Haz," Louis sighed, "I believe you."

Why is lying so easy?


	6. Chapter 6

August 3rd

Harry's POV

Louis and I were curled up on the couch watching Grease. I was trying to keep a little space between us because, while I was still at a healthy weight, Louis would be able to tell that I had lost weight although he might not realize how much. 28. Yep, I've lost 28 pounds in a month. I don't even know how that happened, but I'm glad it did. With each other's help Zayn and I are doing great. Every week I've lost more weight than him, although the bastard still weight a lot less than me. 118 to be exact, but I'll catch him. I will be skinnier. No, I will be the skinniest I can be. I looked over at Louis, who was focused on the movie, and I began to feel sad. I hated lying to him. I hated that I was relapsing, not only with anorexia but with cutting too, but I needed to. Louis would never understand how satisfying starving and cutting can be. I don't ever want him to know those things. I don't want him to suffer the way I am. It's easy to make it seem like this is some silly game. It's easy to believe that anorexia isn't a disease, but a lifestyle. Zayn truly believes that, but I'm not convinced. During my stay in the hospital I met people who were very sick. They weren't just sick physically, but they were sick mentally too. I don't believe a lifestyle can do that to a person. I also don't believe a lifestyle can take over your mindset the way a disease can. So, no, I don't believe this is a lifestyle and I certainly know it isn't a game. As the pounds come off I feel lighter, but heavier at the same time. It's like, as my body becomes lighter my mind becomes heavier. I'm always worried about being caught and disappointing Louis, as well as the rest of my friends and family, but I can't stop. I can't stop because of what I see in the mirror. Rolls of fat encasing my stomach. My thighs rub together in a painful way and my arms shake violently when I move them. It's a shame because I was beginning to see a change in the way I looked, but now I'm right back where I started. Consumed by anorexia. My legs are covered in cuts, some old some new, and I never wear shorts. I'm almost always in sweats because I'm almost always at Zayn's working out. My chest, stomach, hips, and the top of my biceps are no better, although most cuts are old and scarred. My legs are where I torment myself, slashing angrily when I can't take the pain anymore. The pain. Where do I start? When I can no longer take the lying to Louis or the rest of my friends, when I can't stand seeing the fat on my body, when I'm just so tired and dizzy, which the dizziness has returned, from working out I just want to die. That's when I cut to rid myself of the pain. It's coming more and more these days. Sometimes I think that the world would just be better off without me. No more of the needy, whiny, anorexic boy that is just an annoyance to all who know him. It wouldn't take much, just one or two cuts a bit too deep, but when I look at Louis I can't bring myself to do it. The thought of never being able to kiss him or hug him again keeps me from doing it. Maybe I'm selfish for that.

"Harry," I can see Louis snapping his fingers in front of me. The TV is off. How long was I thinking?

"Harry," Louis repeated.

"Hmm. Yeah Lou?" I ask, trying to push back my racing thoughts.

"I asked if you wanted some ice cream," he smiled.

I looked at the clock. 9 p.m.

"Bit late for ice cream, don't you think?" I asked.

"It's never to late for ice cream!" Louis exclaimed, jumping up from the couch and walking to the kitchen. I followed him, although I had no intention of getting any ice cream.

"Are you going to have some?" Louis asked, taking a bowl down for himself.

"No," I said, "I'm still full from dinner."

"You only ate one bite of your dinner," Louis frowned.

"I grabbed something on my way to the gym," I lied.

"Oh, right I forgot," he sighed, "sure you don't want any?"

"I'm sure, but thanks Lou," I attempted a smile.

Louis shrugged and began scooping ice cream into his bowl. He put, in my opinion, way too much in it before he put the rest of the ice cream in the freezer. We went back into the living room and I watched Louis eat his ice cream. I tightened my stomach to keep if from grumbling as I was hungry. Once Louis was done with his ice cream he set the bowl down and turned to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and began leaning in. I could feel panic overtake me. He just ate ice cream. What if when we kiss I absorb some of the calories. That could ruin me. I can't let that happen. I hopped off the couch and ran to my room mumbling 'sorry Lou I, um, I have to go. Bye'. I locked the door and sat on my bed frowning.

I couldn't even kiss my boyfriend after he had ice cream for fear of taking in calories.

What was wrong with me?


	7. Chapter 7

August 6th

Zayn's POV

Harry and I had just finished showering after our workout. He had stayed the night because we have a signing today and we wanted to workout before hand. We ended up waking up at 2:oo a.m. and worked out for five hours. I slipped my jeans on and put a belt over them to keep them from falling. I looked at my stomach in the mirror and was unsure what to think. I could see my ribs pushing against my skin, but there still seemed to be so much fat on them as well as the rest of my stomach. Sighing, I put three shirts on. 2 short sleeve and a long sleeve. The more weight I lost the colder it got. The symptoms were piling on quickly and I can't believe how much Harry had been dealing with, but I can't stop. Anorexia is a lifestyle not a disease. At least that's what I thought. I'm not so sure these days. It just doesn't seem right that a lifestyle could make you so cold, tired, and weak. I shook my head. Anorexia is not a disease. I just need to keep telling myself that. Still slightly cold I grabbed a light jumper and slipped it on. I walked out of the bathroom and saw Harry sitting on the couch drinking water and taking his diet pills. He was wearing jeans and a black long sleeve shirt. I couldn't tell, but I was pretty sure he had a few other layers on by the way he looked. He didn't look like he had lost much weigh, just a pound or two. He caught me looking at him and raised an eyebrow.

"What's up Zaynie?" He smirked.

"How many layers are you wearing?" I asked.

"Three," he said.

"I've got you beat," I smiled.

"That's just because you weigh less," Harry said, "but just you wait I'll catch you."

"Whatever you say," I said.

There was a knock on the door and I opened it to reveal Paul. He smiled and said good morning, which Harry and I both returned, and then told us it was time to go. We followed him to get the rest of the boys, who had spent the night with Louis, and then walked to the van. We didn't say much as we drove to the signing. Niall was sleeping on Liam's shoulder, while Liam and Louis were chatting quietly. Harry and I saw in silence, but it was comfortable. Finally Louis and Liam turned towards us.

"Have a good sleepover?" Liam laughed.

"Absolutely," I smiled, "and how was yours?"

"It was nice," Liam said, "especially since Niall and I didn't wake up to Harry and Louis snogging."

"HEY!" Harry exclaimed.

"Yeah," Louis laughed, "it was the other way around this time."

"You mean you woke up to the two of them snogging?" I asked.

Louis nodded, "yep and it wasn't pretty."

"I thought it was nice," Niall said, apparently awake now.

"Of course you would," Louis said, "you were part of the snog fest!"

"I don't even want to know," Harry muttered.

"Agreed," I said.

"Did you have breakfast Haz?" Louis asked suddenly.

"Yeah he did," I said, "I made pancakes and he ate some with me."

"Good," Louis smiled, "and thanks for making sure he eats Zayn, it's nice to know I cant count on you."

"Anytime," I said, feeling only slightly guilty.

No one had any idea that I wasn't eating. I wasn't around them enough for them to know, but Harry had a past. They would pick up on it quickly if I didn't help. That was part of our agreement. I would help and convince them that Harry was eating. There was always a little guilt when I had to do that, but I had to do it. Harry had asked me to and I was trying to help him. Besides, it wouldn't be a competition if Harry was forced to eat every meal. That would put me right back where I started, alone. And alone was not something I wanted to be, at least not when I could have someone who would keep me going and visa-versa. I felt the van stop as we arrived at the signing. We all got out and made our way through the crowd. I drowned out all of the yelling and soon we were inside sitting at the table that had been set up for us. Liam and Niall sat on one end, while I sat on the other with Harry in the middle of Louis and I. The signing began and the girls came in, as well as a couple of boys here and there. Everything was going fine until a young girl, the last in line, came up to Harry and I. We signed her cd and she thanked us. She then handed us each a homemade card and left the room. I looked at Harry, who's eyes were wide as he read the card, and then looked at my card. On the front of the card there were 'Get well soon, Zayn!' in big letters. I opened it, not really wanting to, too curious not to.

Dear Zayn,  
Hi! My name is Addison and I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you. It's obvious you are getting deeper into your anorexia and I want you to know that you can get better. I did. I also wanted you to know that you are playing a dangerous game. Being Pro Ana buddies with Harry is very dangerous. My best friend, Janee, and I were Ana buddies. We pushed each other harder than we could ever push ourselves. We lost weight very rapidly, as much as 25 pounds in a month, and it wasn't long before we were hospitalized. At the hospital our competition continued. Within a week of being in the hospital Janee's heart couldn't take any more. She died of heart failure. You and Harry are heading down that road. Harry has already had a heart attack. His body won't be able to take much more. I just want you to know that you can recover and you really need to. You are both getting skinnier, but weaker at the same time. I just pray you two can recover before it's too late. Thanks for reading this.

With all my love and prayer,  
Addison

I couldn't believe it. That girl had lost her life because she was trying to be skinnier than her friend. Just like what Harry and I were doing, but it wasn't the same was it? Okay maybe it was for Harry since he was actually skinny, but that didn't apply to me. I wasn't skinny by any means, was I? No of course not. I looked and saw everyone getting up. I saw Harry shove the letter into his pocket and I did the same. I walked next to Harry and studied his face as we walked. His eyes were sad and I could see tears threatening to fall. His lips were tugged down in a frown. Overall he looked like he had just been crushed. Once we were in the van I sat in between him and Louis. Knowing I couldn't speak out loud, without Louis hearing, I sent Harry a text.

To: Harry  
Do you want to talk about it?

I waited and soon my phone buzzed.

To: Zayn  
I'm not going to stop. I would, but I can't. Not now. I just need some time to think. I'm going to head to the gym and just think for an hour. Thanks, though.

I frowned. If he had to think about it for an hour then something was wrong, but there was nothing I could do.

To: Harry  
Okay mate. I'll see you tomorrow then?

To: Zayn  
Absolutely. Like I said, I'm not going to stop.

I nodded and shoved my phone into my pocket. A minute later we pulled up to the complex. We all climbed out and I walked away from the boys quickly. Just like Harry I needed some time to think. In other words I needed to exercise.

Harry's POV

Dear Harry,  
Hello! My name is Addison and I have some things I want you to know. First, I know that you're relapsing. I know because I've gone through anorexia and, even if your friends can't see it yet, it's obvious you're losing weight. Second, I know that you and Zayn are competing to see who can be the skinniest. It's a "game" that I've played before. It's also a "game" that caused my best friend, Janee, to lose her life. You may think it's fun right now. You may love seeing the pounds come off, but this isn't a game. You've already had a heart attack Harry. You're heart is probably still weakened. If you continue to do this either you or Zayn are going to, well, die. With your past and the fact that you've already had heart trouble I would bet it would be you, although I pray nothing happens to either of you. Well, I don't have much more to say. Just keep in mind that I'm praying for you and remember that you are beautiful! You were perfect where you started. Don't let Ana beat you down. You can conquer it!

With all my love and prayers,  
Addison

I read the letter again as I walked into the gym. It was so sad and what's worse is that I know that Zayn or I could easily die if we keep doing this. Maybe I should stop. I have lost some weight. Not enough, though. Besides I know how to maintain my weight at 160, but how do I do that at 132. If I ate normally I would gain weight for sure. What's worse is that my fear with food is back, though it was never gone completely, full force. I turned the speed up and ran faster. It may have been a horrible way to cope with what I just read, but I was going to exercise as hard as I could for this hour until I've completely forgotten that letter. I don't think I'm going to be able to forget completely, though. That letter reminded me that I'm playing games with my life. As much as I hate to admit it the anorexia has once again gotten out of my control. But, was I ever in control? Really?


	8. Chapter 8

August 6th (Still)

Zayn's POV

I ran into my flat and to my bathroom. I kneeled by the toilet and rolled my sleeves up. After lifting the seat up I jammed my fingers to the back of my throat. I poked at the back, waiting for something to come up. Nothing did. I began to panic. I had just gotten back from McDonalds, where I had had a rather large binge. I'd never binged before and I've never purged either. I had made sure I kept my calorie intake low enough that I wouldn't have to, but I had always assumed that it was easy. I poked at my throat, almost tickling it, and then jammed them into it again. I could feel my panic rising. After another five minutes of trying and failing I accepted that nothing was going to come up. I was just going to have to deal with the fact that I screwed up and I was being punished for it now. My stomach was hurting really badly so I walked into my room and climbed into bed, falling asleep quickly. I just hope I don't binge again.

August 10th

Harry's POV

"Morning Zayn," I smiled as I walked into his flat.

"Hi Harry," Zayn sighed.

"What's wrong mate?" I asked.

"Have you ever binged?" He asked.

"Of course," I said, "as long as it's only one day and you get rid of it you'll be fine."

"But it hasn't been only one day," Zayn frowned, "and I haven't been able to get rid of it once. I've just felt so messed up since that letter."

"I know what you mean," I said, "it's really hard."

"Have you been binging?"

"No," I said, "I've actually been working out harder."

"Wonderful," he groaned.

"Let's just strip down and get on the scale," I suggested.

Zayn nodded and slipped his shirt off. I followed suit and soon we were both in our boxers. Zayn dragged the scale into the room and looked at me. I sighed and stepped on the scale feeling confident that I lost weight with the way I've been exercising these last few days after Addison's letter. The scale beeped and I looked down. 126. Smiling I stepped off the scale. I'd lost 6 pounds this week and I was closer to getting back under 100.

"Well?"

I looked up at Zayn and smirked, "126. You have to beat 6 pounds."

"Easy," Zayn said, but I noted the way his voice shook.

Zayn stepped on the scale and I noticed the way he was shaking. A minute later the scale beeped. Zayn stepped off and dragged it back into his bathroom without saying a single thing. When he came back in the room he had tears in his eyes.

"I suppose it didn't go as well as you hope," I tried to keep it light.

"118," Zayn choked, "I didn't lose a single fucking pound."

"Well," I sighed, "I know a great way to lose weight."

"Oh really?" Zayn said, sarcastically.

"Yeah," I smirked, "come on Malik, you start on the elliptical."

August 11th

Still Harry's POV

"Hello and welcome. Today I sit down with the one and only; One Direction!" Karen, the host, smiled.

The crowd applauded and I winced, slightly. I had a killer headache and I was more than a little bit dizzy. I also, although I would never admit it, have been having some mild chest pain the last couple days. Oh well, it's nothing I'd never had before. I tuned out of the interview and started thinking. These symptoms weren't good. It meant that I was getting sick again. But did I care? What's more important, health or perfection? I'm not sure. A couple of years ago I would have gladly said health, but now I just don't know. I know that this could potentially kill me. It already took me close to death once. Why am I continuing? I think it's because I'm too deep in it to get out on my own. When I first recovered I had Louis, as well as the rest of the band, my family, and a counselor helping me. I stopped going to counseling after 6 months, because the counselor and I both agreed I seemed to be doing okay. Now there was no way I could confide in Louis, Liam, Niall, or my old counselor Keith. I can't do that because that would mean I would have to tell them that I had relapsed and I'm not ready for anyone other than Zayn to know that. It was all getting so hard. I could feel myself getting sicker, yet I was continuing to slowly commit suicide. That's all anorexia was really, a slow suicide. Suddenly I felt someone elbow me in my side. I looked at Louis who motioned towards Karen.

"What?" Gosh I must look stupid right now.

"Karen asked you a question," Liam sighed.

"Oops," I blushed, "sorry."

"It's quite alright," she smiled, "I asked how you have been dealing with the hate from pro ana followers who are criticizing you for recovering. They've gone as far as saying you aren't a true anorexic. How does that make you feel and how do you keep it from causing you to relapse?"

"Um," my throat began to feel heavy, "I think that I just look at it as typical hate. I don't treat it as anything special and I do my best not to let it bother me. Of course it does some days, but when that happens I just goof off with my friends and try to just do things that distract me. If I do all those things I'm okay and I don't feel the need to relapse. I have my friends and family and I don't want to lose them or for them to lose me. So, even though it makes me feel like trash I'm okay knowing that I don't need anorexia and I'm happy the way I am, for the most part."

Karen nodded, "that certainly is wonderful that you've accepted yourself. Everyone has problem areas or things they don't like about themselves, but no one deserves to starve their body."

I nodded in agreement and tuned back out. Of course I felt bad for lying, but what was I supposed to say? 'oh, I deal with that by starving myself again and I'm actually in a competition with one of my best friends to see who can be the skinniest.' No way in hell was_ I going to do that. As the interview came to a close I followed the boys to the van. This wasn't a big interview so we were able to wear the clothes we were wearing for the day. I was glad. It kept me from having to make up an excuse as to why I wasn't changing in front of them. This whole thing really has gotten way over my head. I'm sinking fast and the scary thing is I don't know if I want to be pulled up._

"Hey I have an idea," Louis smiled.

"And what might that be boobear?" I asked.

Louis smiled wider, "let's go out for lunch."

(I apologize for the sudden change in font, but I pressed some sort of button on the keyboard and it did this. I don't know how to change it back. Sorry again. I love you jellybeans.)


	9. Chapter 9

August 11th

Louis smiled wider, "let's go out for lunch."

I could feel my stomach clench. My throat felt as though it was constricting and, if I had had anything in my stomach, I was sure I would have thrown up. I couldn't go out and eat with them, but I also couldn't say no without them getting suspicious. Heck, Louis already is suspicious. He's always trying to get me to stay with him for the day, but he doesn't get it. I'm trying to be perfect, not just for me but for him too. So, why is he trying to stop me? Oh, yeah, because what I'm doing almost killed me last time. I can only imagine what Louis would do if I told him I've been having chest pain. The doctor said if I ever did that I should go to the hospital and get checked out immediately since I've been through a heart attack, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd have to admit that I haven't been eating and I am not admitting that anytime soon. I felt someone elbow me. Upon inspection I saw Louis looking at me worriedly.

"What's up love?" I asked.

"Are you up for lunch?" He asked me, "everyone else is."

By the way he stressed everyone I knew I really didn't have a choice. He was testing me to see if I would say no. If I did he would know that I've relapsed, which I can't allow. Instead, I simply nodded and smiled which caused Louis to positively beam. He knew, just as well as me, that there was no way I could get away with only taking one bite of food. Not with everyone here to watch, especially Paul. It kind of pissed me off knowing that the only reason he was happy was because I was going to be forced to stuff my face. My panic level began rising. How was I going to 'get rid' of it? I was so screwed. My phone vibrated and I checked who had texted me. Zayn. I opened the message.

To: Harry  
From: Zayn  
After you eat go to the bathroom. I'll tell the boys that I'll check to make sure you don't purge. Meanwhile, try and get rid of it as fast as you can.

To: Zayn  
From: Harry  
Brilliant! Thanks Zayn. If you want I can make up an excuse so you can purge. Have you figured it out yet?

To: Harry  
From: Zayn  
That would be great. I know how now. it wasn't as hard as I thought. I figured it out yesterday after you left.

To: Zayn  
From: Harry  
Perfect. We have a plan.

Zayn merely smiled and put his phone away. I did so too, after deleting my messages. I couldn't risk one of the boys finding them. Not that I think they're going to go through my phone, but you never really know. Gosh, I sound so paranoid. It's probably because I am. I rested my head on Louis' shoulder until we got to our destination. I smiled when we got there. Subway. Perfect, I can get a salad. They can't force me to order a sandwich, can they? No, of course not. We got out of the car and walked inside. I noticed Liam and Niall holding hands. It was really sweet. They had chosen to go public, after a lot of begging to management, and the fans seemed to be happy, for the most part anyway. Louis and I and decided had decided to keep it between ourselves, the boys, and our families. It just seemed more...personal that way.

"Hello, welcome to Subway what can I get you guys?" A pretty blonde, her name tag read Julie, smiled behind the counter.

I listened at all of the boys ordered their sandwiches, except for Zayn who like me got a salad. The boys seemed slightly upset when I said I wanted a salad. Paul had gone as far as asking me if I had relapsed. To keep them from thinking so I loaded the salad with veggies, as well as some turkey. As we sat down to eat I poured the dressing over the salad and my stomach clenched tighter thinking about how that was going to feel coming up. Two words. Not good. The boys, Paul, and surprisingly Zayn were already eating. I suppose Zayn was thinking it didn't matter if he ate as long as he purged. He may have a slight fear of food, but I knew he wasn't to the point I was and I don't want him to be because, as I sit here staring and playing with my salad, I can feel tears prick my eyes. Maybe for Zayn this is a game, which I don't think so anymore because he's beginning to act like I did when I started getting really sick. He's starting to act like me now, although he's not quite there yet. I hope he never is. The point is, even if this is a game for Zayn it's not for me. It might have started off as a silly little competition, but it's turned into me once again becoming completely consumed by anorexia. Just looking at the food I'm supposed to eat is terrifying me. I'd rather be thrown in a cage with an angry crocodile than eat this stupid salad. I know I should just eat it and purge, but I know that you can't purge every calorie out of your body. I can't even begin to describe the fear that puts in my body.

"Harry," I can feel Louis put a hand on my shoulder, "aren't you going to eat, love?"

"Yeah," I mumble, once again having to wipe the tears that threaten to spill and run down my cheeks.

"Why are you crying?" Liam asks.

"I don't know," I lie, "I suppose I'm just tired."

"Well," Louis says, "you know what's great at giving you energy? Food. Now eat up."

He pushes the plate even closer to me. I sigh and stab my for into a piece of lettuce and turkey. Raising the fork to my lips I can feel my hand shake, but I know if I put it down everyone will know the truth. With one final sigh I place the food in my mouth. Every bite I take sends my stomach reeling and I want nothing more than to throw up, but I push on. It's a big salad and I only manage to finish half of it, but Louis looks proud. I suspect he knows I've relapsed. Why else would he have that same look on his face that he used to get when I ate in the hospital? My stomach was close to bursting and I just wanted to bawl my eyes out because I knew, no matter how much I purged, I wasn't going to be able to rid myself of all those calories. This sucks. I stood up and Louis gave me a curious look. He almost looked as though he was daring me to do it. He was daring me to go into the bathroom, which he would follow a few minutes after and hear me purge. He didn't know, though, that I had a plan. I had Zayn.

"I'll be right back," I told them, walking to the bathroom.

I waited for a few minutes, to make sure it was Zayn that came in and not anyone else, and Zayn opened the door. I smiled weakly at him. Time to get down to business.

Zayn's POV

"I'll go watch him," I told Louis, who was about ready to bolt to the bathroom.

"Thanks Zayn," he smiled, "that makes me feel a lot better."

I nodded and walked to the bathroom. Harry smiled, albeit a bit weakly, and went into the stall. I heard gagging and then retching. I could feel the fear going through my body. Just like Harry I was becoming sick, especially when it came to my perception of food. I'm not as sick as Harry, seeing as I can feel the fear radiating off of him and it's much worse than mine, but I'm getting there. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to live the lifestyle of pro ana. Lifestyle my ass. I can feel myself getting sicker, both physically and mentally, but I can't stop. That's how I know that I've lost control. Was I ever really in control, though? I'm beginning to doubt that. I really thought this was going to be a fun little competition, but here we are playing with our lives. And it's not like I don't realize that my heart is starting to mess with me. Fluttering or skipping a beat. I know it's hurting Harry too by the way he clutches his chest when he exercises. It scares me, but I can't stop. Perfection is to important. It even drove a wedge between Perrie and I. I just couldn't be around her. I didn't want her to be suspicious. So, we broke up. Maybe someday, when I'm at my goal, we can get back together because I still love her. Will I ever reach my goal, though? Physically I may be the weight I wanted to, but will I ever be happy? I don't think so.

Harry comes out of the stall looking pale, but a lot calmer than before. He gives me the thumbs up and I go into the stall. Seeing our sick system makes me feel horrible. As I crouch next to the toilet bowl I can't help but think,

Gosh we're screwed up!


End file.
